I didn’t even know if I liked you to start with.
I was selfish with my time from the outset. You were something on the side. A little inconvenient to be perfectly honest.
Initially, there was definitely no way I would have ever considered changing my weekend plans to suit you, or even include you for that matter. How times changed.
I was selfish … from the outset
Finding out what was brewing underneath the surface with you kept me on my toes, you were a puzzle that kept evolving, right when I thought I had you solved you’d intrigue me all over again. Always one step ahead of me. Spending time with you was awesome, you made me feel good.
Somewhere in the rush of blood to my head, you became the first thing I saw in the morning, the last thing I saw to end my day. I thought about you constantly. Completely absorbed in you. I would plan my day, my weekend, when, where and who I travelled with – around you – and, of course, if you could come too. You made me happy, you supported me and made me feel important and confident in my own skin. I hated going anywhere without you, and eventually those who wouldn’t include you in plans were cleaved from my social stratosphere. It never occurred to me to be anything other than natural development of a normal relationship which I valued. To me, one thing had just led to another.
One thing just led to another
As we graduated through the ranks towards ‘serious,’ so too did my commitment. We travelled together everywhere. All over NZ, Australia, USA. You took me places I’d never think to go. I experienced things I’d never conceived possible.
I packed up my life and moved to a new country for you, I put my career on hold. That in itself is a notion I never entertained before, for any relationship.
Understandably, the reality of my choice was much harder than I anticipated. I spent a lot of time watching the clock. The hours scraped by as I scraped by. I had pared my life back to the bare essentials I needed. I found it hard to justify why I had given up working, uplifted my roots and relocated. My brother asked if I was having a quarter life crisis. You were no party either. You tested me, pissed me off, and challenged me. You hurt me. Ultimately you changed me; I grew. I learned a hell of a lot about myself because of you.
You taught me how to process pain, all sorts of pain. How to use it, meld it into something positive. I grew
Eventually, it dawned on me that I was drowning. I looked at the sum of all my parts and discovered that too much of who I was, was made up of parts of you. Years had passed by in the blink of an eye. My immediate urgency to do something without you was overwhelming. Those feelings confused me, made me feel bad, ungrateful, disloyal. I know, it sounds like I didn’t know how good I had it. Maybe I was suffering from ‘Grass is Greener’.
Obligation to be somewhere I don’t really want to be has never been a mask I can wear. At the bottom of it all, I just wanted some of my own space back. The infinite universe we lived in had become a very small bubble, and it had well and truly popped.
The infinite universe we lived in had become a very small bubble, and it had well and truly popped.
My blood simmered to a steady boil at what you had taken from me; time that I could have been with my friends who don’t know you. At their weddings, birthdays, the trips I passed up because you couldn’t come. My relationships with those people had fallen by the wayside since you came along. I was too busy or tired or I just didn’t feel like seeing them. So, I put you on ice.
So, I put you on ice
I took off all the time without you. With zero regard for you in fact. People asked about you, I nodded “Yea, it’s going good”
I put my friends first, not worrying at all about when I would see you again.
The feeling of fresh air, was epic. I discovered new loves and restored old ones. All the time apart made it harder to connect when I came back – I paid for it – big time. Things were hard. My solution, avoid you altogether.
Over time, my confidence in us crumbled. Our empire had fallen. I’m sorry for that.
Our empire had fallen
The last 5 weeks, I’ve been stuck with you because mutual friends wanted to do stuff together. I had no interest, I predicted it being a shit time.
It had been ages since I gave you that much of my time. I didn’t like you much any more, you were getting in the way. I didn’t even care what people thought when they saw us in our state of disrepair.
Interestingly, you were really fun. You were the old you. I started to remember all the cool things about you, and us.
It was hard being around you again. It felt awkward, disjointed. As we clenched our teeth and got on with it – familiar old feelings resurfaced – thankfully, without any of the pain. Like seeing an old friend. It was nice! I just got to enjoy you. More importantly, I got to enjoy you and have still have time apart from you.
Since then, I’ve started spending more time with you again and I like it. You are just as consistent as ever. Always there, never asking anything of me other than what I’m willing to give. You expect nothing from me and yet you still provide so much.
To your credit, you are the most stable and consistent relationship I have ever had. You never judge me, you’re patient, I do what I want and you’re always there when I come back.
I know I am better when you are in my life.
I gave up too much to be with you, But you never asked me to. Now I spend enough time with you to enjoy it and enough time away from you to look forward to your return. When we do meet, it’s intense. When I want you, I get to enjoy you and we accomplish some cool stuff. When I’m thinking about what I can learn from you instead of feeling paralysed by self limiting failure, I’m pretty good at you too.
I chose you because you make my life better.
How is your relationship with training going?
Do you train to live better …. or are you living to train?